"What I didn't understand was that my mother was equiping me with the means of survival: proof of my Catholicism to anyone in a dozen countries." (P. 12)

"Don't judge a book by its cover." People say this all the time. Sometimes they're actually referring to books, but they usually use this while talking about other people. Regardless of how common this phrase is, we all judge things by their appearance. When we see somebody on the street, we kind of create an idea of who that person is just based on what they look like. When we want to watch a movie, we pick possible ones based on the movie posters. When we're going to choose a book, we do so by looking at the cover and then reading the blurb. Almost everybody I know does this, and so do I. 

However, while picking the memoir I would be reading for Language, for some reason I ignored the "judging-by-the-cover" part of choosing a book. I picked-up one that, to be honest, doesn't look that great. The cover is black, with yellow letters that spell out the title: After Long Silence. Below this, there's a medium-sized, grainy, black and white picture of four young girls with their arms around each other. Judging by this picture, the book could be about a woman's childhood and her friends, which I would not be very interested in. Despite this, I didn't put the book down. I read the blurb and was surprised at how interesting this book actually seemed. So I chose it.

I began reading the book and was not disappointed at all. I like how the author, Helen Fremont, writes. She definitely has a neutral tone which I would consider intimate, as she takes the reader into her life and confides things she has probably never said to anyone. There's a moment, for example, when she tells a friend about how her dad was in a concentration camp in Siberia, and gets really sentimental. Afterwards she regrets ever mentioning it and confesses to the reader that she "was amazed and embarrassed by [her] emotion, which seemed to have arrived like an alien invasion (P. 17)." "I realized," she adds, "that I must never speak of our family, that our story must be kept a secret (P. 17)."

Although she is dealing with a serious subject, Fremont does add humor, and this way relieves the tension or reduces the shock her words cause on the reader.  She reveals that her parents were in a concentration camp on the third paragraph from the first page of her memoir, which catches the reader off guard. However, she follows that with a sentence in which she explains that she used to think that in a concentration camp, "inmates were consumed by intensely focused mental activity (P.8)."This way, she uses a type of gentle humour to reduce the surprise. It's a great way to do so, and it keeps the reader with just enough happiness and somberness to continue reading.

Society and its Word-Changes

Survival of the fittest. When I hear these four words I automatically think of evolution. It is Darwin's theory that says only the strongest genes wil survive, cleaning the gene pool. I would have never imagined that this concept could be applied to grammar. Yet, Nicholson Baker is able to do this and the living beings in Darwin's theory become commas, semi-colons, etc. This way he is able to demonstrate how these punctuation marks have changed throughout time, becoming either better or worse.

It is not only grammar that has changed, though: It's words as well. Today slang is commonly used by about everybody who speaks English. There's slang as classic as "'cause" but new terms have emerged recently. There's words like "LOL," "JK,""OMG," and "WTF" - excuse my language if you understand - which began as efficient texting abbreviations and have now become commonly-used "words."In addition, words that have existed for quite a while are having their meanings colloquially changed. There's some everybody knows like "hot" and "cool" as in "he's hot," and "you're cool." However, there are more recent ones like "legit" or "literally,"which have had their definition altered completely. Legit and literally have always refered to something that actually happened. However, they are now used to add emphasis, even if it's not actually true. The best example I recall is from the movie 500 Days of Summer, in which a character says "She took a giant shit (excuse my language once again) on my face. Literally." To this, another character asks, "Literally?" And the character who was initially speaking replies "Not literally! That's disgusting. Jesus, what's the matter with you?" The girl obviously didn't poo on his face, yet he uses the word literally and expects everybody to understand exactly what he means. This is what we have become, a society with made-up words. Those words we don't invent, we create our own meaning to. And then, whoever isn't up to date with the new terms invented, will barely understand a thing.

No wonder it's hard for new generations to understand classic works such as Shakesperean literature. They are still read in Middle School and High School, but many students have to look for act summaries in order to understand them. Some teachers are even giving up on trying to have students understand the no-longer-used vocabulary and sentence structure, and are having them read modern versions. This is what I had to do in seventh grade. So instead of reading the actual book by Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, we would read a modern version of it through Sparknotes. It was obviously much easier to understand, but wouldn't it have been a lot better to simply try the original one?

Despite the fact that many people don't understand the terms used more than a few decades ago, they still use quotes said by characters of these epochs. There's people quoting Gandhi, Einstein, and famous philosophers all over today's social networks - Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc- and also on school  and college papers. Many of the people doing so don't know what the quote is saying - some even make-up the quotes, but that's a whole other story - and only use it because they think it sounds wise and will therefore have that effect on them. However, simply stating a quote won't make anybody seem any smarter. It only shows what another person thinks, not what they do.

That's what paraphrasing is there for: To include a quote into your own thoughts or opinion. Although there are English teachers who have given up on attempting to teach students what is usually taught, there are still some that remain. In English we are being taught exactly what the two essays, "Survival of the Fittest" and "Q as in Quotation," are explaining. Grammar changes, so it is important to pick up on the good aspects, which many people aren't doing. In addition, one must not simply quote what another person has said. S/he should apply it to what is being said or change it to his/her own words. Because, why use somebody else's opinion when you have your own?

"I wish that everyone will be happy, that everyone gets through this okay. That's what I wish (P. 275)."

After seven months of seeing barely anybody from school, Brent finally has to deal with going back to reality. He returns home and is soon seeing former classmates who he used to see all the time. It's nice how they invite him to so many things, especially a girl named Caroline, who want's even that close to him, but still decides to include him in a couple of plans.

However, it's difficult for Brent to hang out with his former classmates. First of all, he feels uncomfortable having the seeings all his scars and having them know what actually happened to him. But then, as if this weren't enough, everything has changed. While Brent stayed in hospital rooms talking mostly to adults, his friends were living more or less the same lives as before and life kept going by. So when Brent returns, people have changed. Almost every single one of his friends that he sees once again, looks different. His friend Chris has grown about six inches, Caroline looks "pretty good (P. 265)" and older, and Megan is "even more beautiful than before (P. 272)." There's nothing wrong with this, though. Brent must also have grown and must look a lot older now. However, his friends not only changed physically, but they matured. While Brent was lying in hospital beds, his friends were interacting with people their age and becoming more adult-like. On the other hand, Brent was dealing only with adults, and most of them treated him like a kid, so he didn't mature very much. And Brent realizes and acknowledges this when Caroline says "Brent, you haven't changed at all," and he thinks "That's my problem. I haven't changed at all (P. 267)."



Although Brent might be stuck in the past, still expecting to live life as if he were fourteen, his diction does match his age. He writes in the present, so he can't write like the adult he is now, but like the teenager he was back then. So the word choice is definitely apt for a teenager. There are about zero words I don't know the meaning to, since his writing is so simple and uncomplicated, just like that of an adolescent's. He also uses a lot of colloquialisms, as I know teenagers do. He uses words like "a bunch (P. 239)" instead of many or a lot, and "that sucks (P. 271)" instead of saying something like "how unfortunate" or anything along those lines that would be more formal. This way, Runyon, although he is a mature adult now, is able to sound exactly like a teenager.




Brent got a lot of support after attempting suicide. He not only got to meet Magic Johnson, but also form Dennis Miller and Jay Leno. Dennis Miller went over to his house and the both went out in his limousine and then, Jay Leno called Brent. These were both unbelievable experiences for him. "... I woke up this morning like a normal person, and now I've ridden in a limo with Dennis Miller and talked on the phone with Jay Leno (P. 259)," Brent says. This support shows him that there's a reason to keep on, and motivate him to continue with his life. The chances of him committing suicided now, after having such great experiences, are much lower.

However, although Brent did get a lot of support from celebrities like these, Stephen's parents did the opposite. When Brent comes back from DuPont and sees Stephen for the first in seven months, one of the first things that his friend tells him is that he'll be moving to a boarding school in Australia. I thought it would be because his parents wanted him to get an Australian education or something, but no. They're sending him off to a different continent because Brent came back and they don't want them to be friends. I understand what Brent did did have an impact on Stephen, but the solution is not sending him off like this. Both Brent and Stephen need to have things go to the way they were before, and Stephen's parents are choosing to do the complete opposite, making what I think, is a terrible decision, since Brent has moved on and wants to change.


While in the hospital, Brent sees a painting of a lion and begins having a staring contest with it. Of course Brent loses, because the lion obviously wasn't the first one to blink. After losing Brent says  "I wonder if he feels sorry for me having to go through all of this. Probably not, because he knows it's all my fault (P. 245)." This is the first time Brent actually shows that he knows he's the only one to blame for what happened.  This demonstrates that he has moved on past the point of denial. He is no longer suicidal or even consider suicide an option. One day, while at Dominion, a boy says he's considering suicide. After hearing him say this, Brent gets furious, showing that he believes there is no justified reason to commit suicide. By the end, he is a very happy person compared to how he was in the beginning. He is very optimistic and grateful for what he has. "Okay, so I can use my hands, arms, and legs. I can think. I can walk. I can talk. I'm fifteen. I'm alive. Life's pretty good. It's pretty good (P. 292)."

"I only killed myself. That's a good thing."

After Brent tried to commit suicide, he was the only one who had to spend four months recovering in the hospital and three more in a recuperation center. He had to live separated from his family and friends, and be treated by many unkind strangers. However, he brought it upon himself. The fire-incident was no accident. It was a choice. On the other hand, while Brent recover from all his physical damage, his family had to deal with all the emotional harm they never saw coming. They thought Brent was a healthy, happy boy. But turns out he was dealing with tons of problems he never mentioned. And turns out that these problems (even though they weren't very big and Brent made a big deal out of them because he probably suffered from depression or something of the sort, but that's a whole other story) ended not only creating visible scars all over Brent's body, but also invisible ones in Brent's family.

Now Brent's mom must ask herself everyday where she went wrong and what she could have done better to avoid Brent's suicide attempt. She must feel awful because she didn't see any suicidal signs in Brent, when in reality he gave barely any. Brent's dad must feel terrible for not being there that day, since he was off on a business trip. Even though it probably wouldn't have changed anything, the guilt might lead him to believe that if he had been in Virginia, everything could have ended differently. And finally there's Craig. Craig was the one who found Brent right after Brent set himself on fire. He's the one who saw how normal Brent got home that afternoon and how all of a sudden he was attempting suicide. And now he has to watch his family suffer.

Just like everybody else, each family member has a different way of showing his/her pain. Brent's dad is pretty business-like, and acts as if this were nothing other than a job issue. Yes, he is suffering inside, but this is the way he communicates his suffering. When he talks about what happened "he puts on his business voice and sounds like he's giving a presentation (P. 181)." In the family meeting with Brent's psychologist, Mr. Runyon puts his feelings aside and speaks as if he were only a group's representative, saying "Well, I, all of us, really have had a really hard time the last few months, adjusting and adapting to the new challenges and making sure the things that have to be done are getting done. But on the other hand, I think this has brought us together, made us stronger, and we've had a lot of support from our family and friends, and that has been great. We appreciate it all (P. 181)." He is very formal about it. He might as well be talking about some economic hardships his small company had, not about how his son almost died. I guess he is trying to keep a stable image of a leader who is able to keep it together, a father. Brent's mom, on the other hand, is very sensitive and shows it. She cries many times throughout the book. It is obvious she feels guilty about never seeing any signs of Brent's suicidal ideas as she apologizes various times for it. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were so sad (P. 115),"she says many times as she cries.

Craig is the complete opposite, and he's the one I can identify with the most. He doesn't say much and is hard to read. However, he does this on purpose and "it's so hard to see what he's feeling because he tries to cover everything up (P. 180)," as Brent explains. I do this as well, and even though many people criticize it, it's just the way many people deal with what's going on, not wanting others to see what is really happening. In addition, Craig is angry at Brent. It's what I do many times as well: Blame somebody. While Brent's parents are sad and suffering, Craig is only mad at Brent. Because while Brent is somewhere else, recovering, Craig has to actually deal with all the damage he left behind. He has to "watch Mom and Dad sort of fall apart at the end of the day (P. 181)." "Just to watch all the pain Mom and Dad were going through at the end of every day. So that made me really angry (P. 181)," Craig explains.

As Brent watches a car's headlights appear and then disappear on his bedroom wall, he says "I wonder where light goes when it's not here. I mean, I know that darkness is the absence of light, but where does the light go when it's not here? And how do you know if it'll ever come back (P. 198)?" He might be actually referring to the headlights and meaning nothing deeper than that, but then again, maybe he isn't. I immediately connected this passage directly to his family's happiness. Brent's family used to be happy, with no big problems. But then Brent attempted suicide, and suddenly all that happiness left the family  So where does all that family's happiness go after it has left them? And will it ever return to create a happy family once again? Brent might only have wanted to harm himself, but he ended harming his entire family.

"You only get to live for such a short time anyway. It doesn't make sense to kill yourself." (P. 170)

Imagine you're home, just shooting hoops. Your brother walks by, casually says hi, and then goes inside. A while later, you get tired, and head inside as well. You decide to look for your brother, so you walk inside his room. You don't see him anywhere. Then, the bathroom door is pulled open by a black hand. The bathroom is full of smoke and your brother is standing there, with his body burned up, and part of his hair burned off, leaving his scalp visible.

This is what happened to Craig Runyon, Brent's brother. So far, I have only written about Brent and how he must be feeling, but know I want to talk about Craig. He was the one unfortunate enough to find his brother just after he attempted suicide. He was the one who had to call the police and deal with everything alone in the beginning. So I believe he deserves some recognition as well.

When Brent is the hospital the first few weeks, his parents are with him every single day. However, Craig doesn't visit. Many readers will think he's selfish and inconsiderate for never checking up on Brent. But people needs to look at it from another point of view's: Craig's. Craig saw his brother's raw burns. He must definitely have a trauma. Just like Brent isn't ready to go back home and see the bathroom where everything happened, Craig probably isn't ready to see his brother again and relive the entire thing.

It must be strange for him talking to his brother, knowing he wanted to die, but being unable to bring it up. So, as a result, the conversations become awkward, choppy, and as short as possible. Still, Craig must miss his brother very much. It must be strange never seeing him at home anymore and not having him there to talk to. He must have expected to leave home first and have Brent miss him, since he's the oldest brother, not the other way around. It must be something impossible to get used to.

Brent, for example, still misses his brother. "I wonder if we'll ever be friends, my brother and I," he says. "Ever since we were little kids, we always fought, but now I kind of wish I could talk to him. Or even, I don't know, just hang out and be friends. I know that sounds stupid, but I think about that sometimes." (Page 177) He loves his brother, but he can't just go and outright tell him he loves him. It's that type of love he doesn't know how to express.

It's similar to the gratitude he feels towards all his doctors and nurses, but doesn't know how to express. "I don't know how to tell them how much they mean to me. Beck: helped me learn how to use my arms again. Dawn: Taught me how to walk. Dr. Rudolph put my skin back together. Barbara: Cleaned my wounds and called me Gorgeous. Lisa: Helped me go to sleep at night. And Tina. Tina, you did everything for me. You held my hand and you told me I was going to be all right and made me laugh and took me outside the hospital and made me feel normal, (P. 137)"  he writes. However, when the moment to actually say something actually arrives, he is only able to say "You guys, uh, I just wanted to say thanks for helping me, you know, get better. I just wanted to thank you for everything. And everything (P. 137)." This is nothing compared to what he actually wanted to say. So I believe this book actually has two purposes: The first one is to justify why he tried commit suicide, and prove he has changed. And the second one to thank those who helped him. He was unable to do so back then, so with this memoir he is able to fully demonstrate how much he appreciates every single thing they did for him.

"I'm sorry I didn't know you were so sad." (P. 115)

Close-to-death experiences change people. By surviving a car accident, a shooting, or making a decision and then realizing you could have died if you'd picked the other choice, you learn to value what you have even more. You realize you can't take everything for granted because it won't always be there and you realize how important it all is to you. But if it weren't an accident you survived, but instead something that you brought upon yourself, the realization will probably be even stronger. You'll finally notice everything you were willing to lose, and you'll regret it. You'll change.

Ever since Brent Runyon tried to set fire to himself but was saved, he has changed immensely. Not only does he regret doing this ("I wish I'd stopped. But I didn't." P. 106), but also small things that used to determine who he was are beginning to change as well. When Dr. Rubinstein asks Brent to tell his mom about the other suicide attempts, he doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want her to know, but because he doesn't want to worry her since he no longer has the intention to kill himself. "... I'm different now. I don't do these things. I'm sorry. I was making mistakes. I didn't know what I was doing and I couldn't stop," he says on page 114. Not only has he changed, but he's ashamed of who he used to be and knows better now: He has grown up.

Earlier on in the memoir Brent says "Oh, favorite color. I would say black, it used to be black, but I'm not sure it's black anymore. Maybe some other color. I like green. I've always liked green. And navy blue. Navy blue is good." (P. 62) However, later on, on page 115, Brent admits that he wore black clothes because the color reminded him of death. So this means, he is changing and moving farther and farther away from the desire he had: to die.

Later on, when he goes to the mall, he sees that all the floors are made of glass, so you can look down and see the things beneath you. So he remembers that a year before, he would go to the mall near his house, stand on the balconies and look down, imagining what it would feel like to fall. However, the close-to-death experience changed him, and now he can't even stand looking down at the glass floor and seeing the empty space below him. It was an impact that his attempted suicide had on him: He no longer wanted to and disliked any allusions to this past.

The most shocking part - and awkward if I may - is when Brent goes to the movies and out of all the ways there are to make people laugh in movies, this movie's idea of "funny" is setting a guy on fire. Of course he has a trauma when it comes to fire, so this is awful for him. "I feel sick. This is the worst. Rhe absolute worst movie I've ever seen in my life," (P. 130) he says. I feel so bad for him. He's trying to get over that part of his life, and it keeps on coming back to him. However, it's good that he's still intent on changing the suicidal person he used to be.

"I'm not going to cover anything up. This is me." (P. 121)

If you're walking on your own - whether it's through the streets, or in a mall, or in an airport - you're always seeing new people. But you're not just looking at them, you're judging them. It's second-nature. When you see someone who catches your eye (not exclusively because you find them appealing, just because you find them interesting), the first you do is try to figure them out: What's their story or what they're like. Then you begin either criticizing or praising them in your head. This maybe even happens more when you're accompanied. Your one of you sees somebody interesting and immediately turns to the other to say something good about them or something terrible. We're used to doing this, many people see nothing wrong with it. But it's terrible when you're on the other end. When you're the one beng criticized and you know it. And this is exactly what happens to Brent Runyon in The Burn Journals.

Brent attempted suicide, and was left with burns all over his body. Then one day a woman from a cosmetic company approaches Brent to try to persuade him to purchase make-up to make him look good. She is immediately judging him and automatically assuming that he must find himself ugly and be very self-conscious. It's infuriating, because she is, in a way, trying to convince him that he's ugly, and says these cosmetics will definitely make him happier, healthier and less self-conscious. But he rejects it and embraces who he became.

However, finally, after three months of being in the hospital 24/7, he finally went out to have ice cream and go to the movies. But it was definitely an awful experience for him. He had to wear baggy clothes because of all the damaged skin, but as he left the hospital he saw nothing wrong with it. They were just comfortable clothes that made him feel good.

However, once he gets to Ben and Jerry's, people immediately begin whispering about him. "People are looking at me and trying to figure out what happened to me and why I'm so burned up (P. 126)," he writes. "They're whispering too. What are they saying? I can't hear them but they're definitely talking about me... and why I'm wearing these clothes (P. 127)," he adds afterwards. And this feeling of being judged by everybody in this store is what breaks him. Before going in, he hadn't thought about how odd he looked, but now all he can think about is how "stupid" he is. "I shouldn't have worn these clothes, I just realized that they look really stupid, and I shouldn't be wearing a Lakers hat because nobody around here likes the Lakers anyway,"he says. "God, I'm an idiot. A stupid burned-up idiot with purple face and a bunch of bandages under his clothes. I hate myself (P. 127)."And so, the unsubtle and rude way in which people judge him, makes him incredibly self-conscious. Even though before, he was able to stand-up to a woman who was basically calling him ugly, all he can do now is dislike everything about himself. Before it was the woman trying to bring him down, but now he's doing it on his own.

"I wish I'd stopped. But I didn't (P. 106)."

It is undeniable that we have all changed since we were very young, not only physically but regarding our thoughts and ideas as well. I find it as obvious as stating that grass is green, or two plus two is four. So undoubtedly there's a difference between writing something when we're thirteen or writing the same thing when we're twenty-six. However, in The Burn Journals, Brent Runyon does something I had never seen before: He writes at the age of twenty-six as if he were thirteen years old. He doesn't outright say something to alert the reader of this. Instead he writes everything in present-tense. So instead of remembering, he's actually in a way reliving everything that happened at the beginning of his teenage years.

At first I didn't understand it in this way, and was surprised at how forward he is with so many of his thoughts. He seemed so naïve hoping his dad would drive him home on the night of the day he set himself on fire. Further on, I found it incredibly childish when his mom tells him Maggie, the girl in the room next to him, is too sick to have surgery, and his response is "That's good. I'm winning (P. 30)."And that's when I realized: He is trying to sound childish. That's the way he means for it to be understood, thus showing that he was young and immature when he made this irrational mistake.

Afterwards in the book, Runyon continues using a childish tone. When his wounds are being cleaned, he complains about his back hurting the worst and says "I don't know why people need backs. I don't think I need mine. I'd be happy if they just removed the whole thing and left me alone." Considering that he's a twenty-three year-old, this is a pretty dumb thing to say. So he's doing it on purpose to seem ignorant and dense. He does a similar thing to exhibit the selfishness of a thirteen-year-old, as he writes "... I dont want to forget anything. I don't care if they are terrible memories. They're mine (P. 86)." He could have said that last sentence in so many other ways, but the way he does, shows the childish voice he is trying to depict.

Since Runyon writes in present-tense, he is able to aptly express how his thoughts began to slowly change. On the day he burned himself he thought he would be released from the hospital that night, obviously unaware of how bad he had hurt himself. Then a month after that, he was impatiently waiting to be released, still oblivious to how serious the damage was. Then after being in the hospital for three months, he finally realizes what a bad decision he made. "I keep thinking about it," he says. "I was in the bathroom and I had a gas can and the matches and I sat on the toilet. That's when I should've realized how stupid I was being. That's when I should've stopped (P.105)." He thinks about all the other better choices he could've of made, and regrets his decision terribly. I guess he chose to use such a childish, immature, and selfish tone to demonstrate how much he still regrets what he did and to show how much he's changed now.